Happily Sad

Several of my dearest friends have given birth recently and I am so thrilled for them! I love seeing the precious newborn hospital photos, mom and baby photos, the siblings enjoying their new little brother or sister, or my personal favorite...dad rocking the baby.

As my Facebook feed has been flooded with birth stories and newborn photos I find myself feeling what I call "happily sad." I am so happy for my friends and their families. Bringing a beautiful new baby into the world is an experience unlike any other.

But can I be completely honest? I wish it were me. I wish I were the one announcing our own new ones arrival. And I'm pretty sad that it's not.

From the outside we look like we have it all when it comes to our family. As a new acquaintance recently told me, "You have a boy and girl, you're so lucky you're done!" I wish it were that easy. I wish the longing and heartache and spiritual promptings that our family is not yet complete would go away just because we happened to win the genetic lottery and get a boy and a girl out of our first two tries.

We have struggled with secondary infertility for about 6 years now. I know that doesn't seem like a long time in the big picture but it feels like forever. We are SO blessed to have our two beautiful children and I love them so much. In fact, if they weren't so dang awesome I'd probably say forget it about having anymore kids but I can't help it, ours are top notch. :) There is much more I could say on the subject of infertility. But for today I simply want to say I am happily sad, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

So, my dear friends whose homes are being blessed by these beautiful new spirits, I am so happy for you. I will "like" all of your pictures on Facebook, leave comments of congratulations, and send you handmade baby gifts. And if I'm lucky enough to live near you then you can bet I am going to INSIST that I hold that sweet baby.

But if you see a tear run down my face please know that it's just my heart trying to process and take everything in. I will be fine. The Lord has a plan even if we can't see it... and that fills me with hope.